Posted in movies | music on December 16, 2009

intro by BBG

Justin Smith of Graf Orlock (left) @ the Charleston (more by Lori Baily)
 Graf Orlock

In addition to my upcoming list of favorite records of 2009, I asked some of my favorite bands/musicians the same question and received a wide array of answers.

The first 2009 list comes from Justin Smith of Graf Orlock, Ghostlimb, Dangers, and Vitriol Records fame. If you haven't already, you can download both Graf Orlock's Destination Time Today and Ghostlimb's split with Fischer for FREE.

Justin has long been a fan of bad film as evidenced by the amazing subject matter and samples on the Graf Orlock records and his film reviews on Decibel.com, and in keeping with that awesome (terrible?) tradition, Justin has offered his Worst 10 Films of 2009...

Worst 10 Films of 2009

2012
2012

2012 - When you were convinced John Cusack could sink no lower, this complete disrespect to your ocular abilities was released to warn us of the impending doom projected by the Mayans. Unsurprisingly, this film rejects basic physics understanding of time, space, and reason in favor of some vague Judeo-Christian outcome where only rich people survive. Excellent!

Watchmen
- Graphic novels into film are always sketchy ventures, but this one reminded me that I could have better spent my time huffing paint for 3 hours. Entire sections of this film radiate with a "what the shit?" ecstasy induced plotlessness, while you are forced to ponder why a giant naked blue scientist is chilling on Mars while the peons of the earth rip themselves apart. Set to the backdrop of every soundtrack cliché ever.

Gamer
Gamer

Gamer
- As noted previously, Gerard Butler should stick to movies about stabbing people and regional warfare of antiquity. At least I could grasp that, instead of some-kid-controls-some-videogame-controls-some-guy-with-a-gun. More roided out Spartans, less contemporary pieces, less wasted time I will never get back.

Wolverine
- The X-Men trilogy is questionable in itself, but when you single out one of the most bad-ass characters ever created in the comic world, that shit better be spot on. Instead we get a CGI wire frame mess that plods along, with enjoyment predicated on the assumption that you have undergone a full frontal lobotomy. A cameo from Will. I. Am of the Black Eyed Peas also points you in the direction of assured hatred.

Transformers 2
Transformers

Transformers 2 - Michael Bay has done it again. Trading all taste, storyline, character development, and basic human emotion for explosions, racist stereotypes, and teenage innuendo, one could go on endlessly about this 3 hour long Chevy commercial that urges you to run your engine in a garage until you feel no more pain.

Knowing
Knowing

Knowing
- Nick Cage might have set the record for worst films made in the course of a crappy career, but this one really goes there. Like 2012, this plays on human fear and apocalyptic paranoia, all at the service of pederast angels, ridiculous numerology, Christian subtext, and a burned up world that we all probably deserve.

The Final Destination
- The end of a beautiful line of cut and paste "horror" films, this one exists solely to satisfy my desire to see a stadium full of Nascar loving hicks blown up in a merciless shrapnel fireball. Only then does the witless specter of death continue its rounds with moron teenage stereotypes at the expense of 82 minutes of an otherwise productive life.

Terminator Salvation
Gamer

Terminator Salvation
- With Christian Bale you almost can't go wrong, but this one focused on Sam Worthington's self-realizing robot breaks all the rules in Cyborgology and Bale kills no people at all. I would say more American Psycho, less Velvet Goldmine, and we are getting somewhere.

Valkyrie
- Tom Cruise should stick to something he "knows" about: Scientology and the history of psychology, and should keep his hands out of real history and portraying anyone that has ever existed. Wait, he should stop acting and permanently watch his thetan level, because his awkward portrayal of a German officer was so spotty he should have been put in front of a Nuremburg tribunal.

Dance Flick
Gamer

Dance Flick
- Dance Flick, Teen Movie, Scary Movie: Why people go see these ironic ironies of irony still evades me. I could imagine a college frat full of lowbrows gearing up to hit the town and catch a flick, narrowly missing that throughout, their entire life, culture, and possible career trajectories are being mocked to the sound of their wasted $11. "Ah, fuck it, let's hit the club."

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Comments (33)

this person obviously never saw Year One.

and Watchmen was great!

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 11:27 AM

I liked Wolverine!
Terminator Salvation was horrible!
I think I'd go see Gamer for that chick's ass alone!

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 11:30 AM

I'm not fond of any film on this list, but "worst" lists are always for idiots. Plus anybody could have come up with this particular list in their sleep.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 11:33 AM

i want more! this guy's reviews are great. frustrated AND lucid.

Posted by nick a. | December 16, 2009 11:35 AM

Wolverine really sucked. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by bill p | December 16, 2009 11:37 AM

He complains about 2012 because its unrealistic.
No shit Sherlock


Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 11:46 AM

11:46 doesnt get it.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 11:55 AM

2012 is the the year that animal collective will break up theirby equating the end of the world to retards the world over.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 12:00 PM

what does "teenage innuendo" mean?

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 12:34 PM

not another teen movie rules are you kidding me

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 12:42 PM

a lot of shitty films came out this year.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 1:51 PM

what about "the rocker"? so shitty

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 1:57 PM

I thought The Rocker was pretty funny actually. Not one of the best, but certainly not one of the worst of the year.
I def. think Where the Wild Things Are should be on the list. What a disappointment...

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 2:28 PM

Wow, so let me get this straight 2:28:

The Rocker > Where The Wild Things Are?

Only on BV.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 3:37 PM

Yeah... for a goofy comedy, The rocker was pretty good.
For an epic high budget blockbuster, Where the Wild Things Are sucked hard.
We're comparing apples to oranges here.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 3:52 PM

You compared em first

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 4:19 PM

That wasn't a comparison... only meant to be separate observations.

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 4:21 PM

fight fight fight

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 4:34 PM

this is the most boring and predictable bottom 10 of all time. let me guess what some of the bottom 10 bands of the year are: slipknot! u2! paris hilton! LOLOLOLOL

reading this is like saying "junk food is bad for you"

Posted by monsoonseason | December 16, 2009 5:30 PM

walkmen was a good movie :(

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 6:27 PM

So he bagged on all the crappy blockbusters when everyone already knows they're going to be crappy blockbusters? What's next - criticizing water for not being a little too wet? Inane, fashionable obviousness from another clod with a guitar.

Posted by Crosseyed Sniper | December 16, 2009 8:28 PM

Is Megan Fox fondling herself in that still?

Posted by Anonymous | December 16, 2009 8:40 PM

Hey Gorlock, come back to Brooklyn. Idiots.

Posted by b | December 16, 2009 9:01 PM

I found a great club for you________B l a c k w h i t e F i n d e r . C o m________. The best club for seeking the interracial singles, sexy beauties and even hot interracial celebs... I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!! GGGGGGG

Posted by sexy-cutie | December 16, 2009 9:50 PM

pretentious moron.

Posted by Anonymous | December 17, 2009 1:51 AM

Cant you even find some "bad" b movies instead of the obvious big budget hollywood shit?
Someone wasted time watching these.

Posted by Anonymous | December 17, 2009 4:11 AM

Valkyrie was 2008

Posted by Anonymous | December 17, 2009 11:35 AM

Hey 4:11.
Maybe if you discussed how bad a b movie was, which as a rule are overwhelmingly bad, this list would be pointless. These movies are ones that people spent alot of time and money on, hence the idea why its even more embarassing.

Posted by Anonymous | December 17, 2009 11:42 AM

no mention of New Moon. SWEET

Posted by Anonymous | December 17, 2009 12:33 PM

i just dont get why "ecstasy induced plotlessness, while you are forced to ponder why a giant naked blue scientist is chilling on Mars while the peons of the earth rip themselves apart" is a bad thing.

Posted by Anonymous | December 18, 2009 1:39 AM

This is a good post. I like this post very much for it's informative nature. Thanks for sharing information with us. Keep it up. Keep blogging.

Posted by Etnies | February 27, 2010 6:31 AM

thanks giveing

Posted by cheap clothes online | March 6, 2010 3:07 PM

Wolverine really sucked. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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