by Chris Ziegler
In an announcement given to a "bunch of penguins", from the bowels of their Antarctic fortress, the worlds sickest band, the mighty GWAR, has announced the continuation of their 25th Anniversary with a public event of colossal proportion--The Crack-a-Thon!Gwar frontmonster Oderus Urungus-coincidentally both vegan and from Brooklyn-will be performing in Texas and throwing a huge crack-a-thon in April to raise money to pay off existing crack debts and ideally begin new ones. He speaks now over the shrieks of tormented slaves. You can catch Gwar even sooner if you happen to be in Austin this Saturday (March 20th) evening as they headline day two of the annual unofficial SXSW party WXTX (formerly known as Mess With Texas).
"We are trying to raise money for the kids...not just muscular dystrophy, but retards as well, all kinds of fucked-up freaks," said Oderus.
The event will kickoff on April 10th, 2010 at the notorious MF Gallery in Brooklyn, NY. The weeklong debauchery will be broadcast live on the World Wide Web, and anybody with internet access will be able to view the gala event free of charge. Viewers will be able to pledge funds via a website, (To be announced later- check www.MFgallery.net for details.) as powerful computers illegally drain your bank account. Rumors that any money raised will actually be used to pay off Oderus's crack debt were immediately confirmed.
We asked Oderus a few questions about all of the above, his appearances on Fox, and more...
What kind of refreshments will you be serving at the opening reception for your crack benefit?
Oderus: Well, crack, of course. And malt liquor. This might be taking place in an art gallery, but this ain't no wine-and-cheese party. These people are gonna be smoking CRACK. I won't be smoking crack-I will be eating crack.
What's the best thing about crack?
A lot of people ask me that question. What's not to like about it? Everything about is so great. It doesn't really get me high anymore. I just need it to crawl out of the coffin in the morning. I don't really know or care what money is. I wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. But fucking Sleazy P. Martini wants money, so basically I'm desperately trying to get out of debt to him. And I also wanted to use the opportunity to make fun of Jerry Lewis. Just because he's a fat fuck, and I'm sick of all the muscular dystrophy kids getting all the money. There's lots of retards out there, and for our benefit we are lying and saying it's for all kinds of fucked-up kids, but really it's for my fucking insane crack habit.
He did make probably the best Holocaust clown movie of all time.
He is a pretty interesting example of the human species. He's partially cybernetic. He's got like weird machine parts stuck in him up that he charges up. He's one of those Hollywood celebrities that you have to wonder if he's really from this planet. There's a lot of scumdogs who've gone missing through time and we don't really know what happened to them, and it is very possible that he might have been from outer space originally. As he gets past 90 or 100 and he's still doing these fucking muscular dystrophy telethons, I think the truth will be coming out.
Are there any other celebrities you wanna haul out of the scumcloset?
Rush Limbaugh is actually a scumdog, but we're very ashamed of it.
Why? He's high all the time.
But he's a Republican conservative fuck.
What's it say about America that FOX News is the only place Gwar can get a fair shake?
That's pretty weird. A lot of people are like, 'They're the most conservative network out there blah-blah-blah.' But the only reason they're the most conservative is George Bush was in office for the last eight years and it was good for ratings. It's pretty trendy now to hate Obama, so they're still riding that wave-kind of reminds me of when Jimmy Carter was in office, and they made life so miserable for him that he basically gave up totally. Yeah, it's very odd-but FOX brought us The Simpsons, so is it really so strange?
Isn't FOX News' slogan the same as Gwar's? 'America Must Be Destroyed'?
On the down-low, that's what it is and it's getting more and more popular all the time, and as usual Gwar was fucking light years ahead of everybody else.
John Mayer got a lot of press for talking about his dick recently. As someone who has talked about his dick for years, do you feel you've been unfairly denied credit?
Oh, constantly. Gwar is snubbed on so many levels and it all comes down to penis envy. You see the regurgitating Cuttlefish of Cthulhu dripping syphilitic pus-people are jealous. 'God, where can I get a cock like that?' And they go to Gwar shows and they rub pus all over their genitals, and they might get something growing out of their dick slit but they're not gonna get any bigger. People are just jealous of my massive cock-what can I say? And I have three testicles-the size of bowling balls. That's pretty heavy.
Do they each do a different flavor?
It's all scumdog flavor, but it can go anything from pineapple to squirrel vomit.
Just like a Slurpee.
Another example of how Gwar has affected society! We're the trendsetters. But we never get credit for it. But that's OK.
Is 'Brooklyn Vegan' the most repulsive possible phrase in the English language to Gwar?
Yeah, but I figure if I can be on FOX News, then Brooklyn Vegan is OK, too.
Do you think performing in an art gallery is emasculating?
We're gonna just go for it. Nobody will give Gwar their own TV show, so we're just gonna do it ourselves. The people at MF Gallery let us do all kinds of horrible things in there, and they're all over it. This is very exciting for us because when people see us all over the web and see how great we are in the variety-show setting, it won't be long til we have our own network. And if they won't give us one, well, that's what the fucking world wide web is for. We'll just do it ourselves.
How soon until you are pumping Gwar sperm directly into fetal minds?
We have pretty much spread our seed through the entire gene pool. I don't even physically have to rape a human in order for my degenerative pus sac to have influence on how you people breed. You don't even need to get my sperm on you. If you SEE my sperm, you can get pregnant. And you don't even have to be female. It's weird. Your eyes turn into wombs and you birth these eel-like creatures out of your pupils. Look around at the way people are-you can just see Gwar's had an influence. We've been on planet alive now for 25 years. The heavily-hooved footprint of Gwar is bloody obvious, and everyone's gonna continue to deny it. But we are the creators of the human race. We fucked apes and then you were born.
It's Gwar's gene pool but we're just swimming in it?
Exactly. We wanna get the mutation pool rolling along. People with two arms and two legs-that's fine. But we want wings, we want hooves, we want multiple turnip penises... in the slam pit of a Gwar show, you never know what's gonna happen, but one thing is for sure-you're gonna get pregnant.
What can the average Brooklyn vegan do at home to help?
Since probably eating meat is out, I would practice blowjob techniques on distended dead cow udders. They say New York is the city with everything, so I'm sure somewhere in that town you can find a store-a boutique, if you will-that sells nothing but distended dead cow udders.
You're playing a parking lot in Texas for SXSW-does that make you miss Hell?
Hell-after we killed Jewcifer-it became pretty goddamn boring. It's a sad state of affairs when planet Earth is even more fucked-up than Hell.
Can you say for a fact that Texas is worse than Hell?
Without a doubt. I'd say the entire United States. And you can keep going south into Mexico. Since Gwar knocked down the portal, the whole gate to Hell has been open, and the creatures from Hell come forth unto our world. You don't have to look around very far to see the influence it's had. Just look at people walking down the street. They're fucking freaks.
They look like hell.
They look like hell!
How do you feel about Juggalos? Proud? Paternal?
I applaud their efforts. I've never been a big fan of rap except when it was-you know-good. But we had a lot in common with them in that we're the bastard children of the recording industry, and they-much like Gwar-have just done their own thing the whole time. They've been completely maligned and ridiculed and hated, but those guys make tons of fucking money and they're completely fanatically supported by all these freaks, and it's a very strange cultural phenomenon. And for me to think something is fucking strange-it's gotta be pretty fucking strange. It all boiled over when we played The Gathering of the Juggalos last year, and we almost went on tour with ICP this spring ... but they backed out at the last second. It's kind of scary playing for them and you look out into the audience and see nothing but a sea of clown faces staring back at you.
That scares me that it scares you.
I was molested by a clown at birth. I was basically lowered on to an erect clown penis as I was born-anally raped by a midget clown. His penis was like four times bigger than the rest of his body, and it was the weirdest thing-on his dickhead which plunged into my heaving anus, he had painted the face of Marcel Marceau. Very disturbing.
Did you go to any of those Juggalo seminars?
They had seminars? On how to be a clown? I had no idea any of that crap went on whatsoever. They didn't ask me to speak on a panel, so they really missed the boat on that one. I saw all kinds of disgusting spectacles, but the funniest thing was a gigantic sewer... like the Port-A-Potties, and people had been shitting into this giant bladder that eventually filled up and they had to release the gas-like the way a colostomy bag fills up and they have to blow it out now and then? They were doing that and right next to where they were doing that was one of these horrible sandwich carts, and these people were standing there as this fecal-flecked cloud of anal vapor just assaulted them-they would not be stopped from getting their cheesesteaks. I really thought I'd seen it all til I went to the Gathering of the Juggalos. That's one of the most freaky fucked-up events I've ever experienced in my life. But I have to applaud their inbreeding tendencies. Say what you will about them, but they've created a vital piece of subculture. You know-I like multi-colored vomit. One color is no fun. We need to have chunks, toes, carrots, peanuts-we need all kinds of vomit and we need ICP.
Does this crack benefit mean that the bad economy has finally hit Gwar?
There are rumors. I've heard these fucked-up rumors that the people in Gwar are actually these dedicated artists and musicians who finally after years of searching have found an amazing building and they're trying to get money together so they can buy an amazing building of their very own and have an incredible production facility that they can be Gwar in for the rest of their lives. I don't know where these rumors come from.
Sounds like a fairytale.
Artists? Musicians? It's for crack, and hopefully people will open up their hearts and their checkbooks or at least steal their parents' credit cards so I can pay off the crack debt I have so I can get more.
Thanks for being a good role model.
People can look at me and see what I'm doing, and as long as they're doing the absolute opposite, they're probably OK.
Saturday April 10th 7-10pm
CountDown:? in 22 days, 10 hours, 38 minutes
Friday, April 15th
CountDown:? in 26 days, 15 hours, 38 minutes
MF GALLERY: 213 Bond St. Brooklyn, NY 11217
SHOW TIMES FOR "CRACK-A-THON" ANNOUNCED!
SHOW 1: FRIDAY APRIL 16TH, 7PM-7:45PM
SHOW 2: FRI APRIL 16TH, 8PM-8:45PM
SHOW 3: FRI APRIL 16TH, 9PM-9:45PM
SHOW 4: FRI APRIL 16TH, 10PM-10:45PM
SHOW 5: FRI APRIL 16TH, 11PM-11:45PM
SHOW 6: SAT APRIL 17TH, 7PM-7:45PM
SHOW 7: SAT APRIL 17TH, 8PM-8:45PM
SHOW 8: SAT APRIL 17TH, 9PM-9:45PM
SHOW 9: SAT APRIL 17TH, 10PM-10:45PM
SHOW 10: SAT APRIL 17TH, 11PM-11:45PM