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Graf Orlock’s Justin Smith lists the Worst 10 Films of 2009

intro by BBG

Justin Smith of Graf Orlock (left) @ the Charleston (more by Lori Baily)
 Graf Orlock

In addition to my upcoming list of favorite records of 2009, I asked some of my favorite bands/musicians the same question and received a wide array of answers.

The first 2009 list comes from Justin Smith of Graf Orlock, Ghostlimb, Dangers, and Vitriol Records fame. If you haven’t already, you can download both Graf Orlock‘s Destination Time Today and Ghostlimb‘s split with Fischer for FREE.

Justin has long been a fan of bad film as evidenced by the amazing subject matter and samples on the Graf Orlock records and his film reviews on Decibel.com, and in keeping with that awesome (terrible?) tradition, Justin has offered his Worst 10 Films of 2009

Worst 10 Films of 2009

2012
2012

2012 – When you were convinced John Cusack could sink no lower, this complete disrespect to your ocular abilities was released to warn us of the impending doom projected by the Mayans. Unsurprisingly, this film rejects basic physics understanding of time, space, and reason in favor of some vague Judeo-Christian outcome where only rich people survive. Excellent!

Watchmen
– Graphic novels into film are always sketchy ventures, but this one reminded me that I could have better spent my time huffing paint for 3 hours. Entire sections of this film radiate with a “what the shit?” ecstasy induced plotlessness, while you are forced to ponder why a giant naked blue scientist is chilling on Mars while the peons of the earth rip themselves apart. Set to the backdrop of every soundtrack cliché ever.

Gamer
Gamer

Gamer
– As noted previously, Gerard Butler should stick to movies about stabbing people and regional warfare of antiquity. At least I could grasp that, instead of some-kid-controls-some-videogame-controls-some-guy-with-a-gun. More roided out Spartans, less contemporary pieces, less wasted time I will never get back.

Wolverine
– The X-Men trilogy is questionable in itself, but when you single out one of the most bad-ass characters ever created in the comic world, that shit better be spot on. Instead we get a CGI wire frame mess that plods along, with enjoyment predicated on the assumption that you have undergone a full frontal lobotomy. A cameo from Will. I. Am of the Black Eyed Peas also points you in the direction of assured hatred.

Transformers 2
Transformers

Transformers 2 – Michael Bay has done it again. Trading all taste, storyline, character development, and basic human emotion for explosions, racist stereotypes, and teenage innuendo, one could go on endlessly about this 3 hour long Chevy commercial that urges you to run your engine in a garage until you feel no more pain.

Knowing
Knowing

Knowing
– Nick Cage might have set the record for worst films made in the course of a crappy career, but this one really goes there. Like 2012, this plays on human fear and apocalyptic paranoia, all at the service of pederast angels, ridiculous numerology, Christian subtext, and a burned up world that we all probably deserve.

The Final Destination
– The end of a beautiful line of cut and paste “horror” films, this one exists solely to satisfy my desire to see a stadium full of Nascar loving hicks blown up in a merciless shrapnel fireball. Only then does the witless specter of death continue its rounds with moron teenage stereotypes at the expense of 82 minutes of an otherwise productive life.

Terminator Salvation
Gamer

Terminator Salvation
– With Christian Bale you almost can’t go wrong, but this one focused on Sam Worthington’s self-realizing robot breaks all the rules in Cyborgology and Bale kills no people at all. I would say more American Psycho, less Velvet Goldmine, and we are getting somewhere.

Valkyrie
– Tom Cruise should stick to something he “knows” about: Scientology and the history of psychology, and should keep his hands out of real history and portraying anyone that has ever existed. Wait, he should stop acting and permanently watch his thetan level, because his awkward portrayal of a German officer was so spotty he should have been put in front of a Nuremburg tribunal.

Dance Flick
Gamer

Dance Flick
Dance Flick, Teen Movie, Scary Movie: Why people go see these ironic ironies of irony still evades me. I could imagine a college frat full of lowbrows gearing up to hit the town and catch a flick, narrowly missing that throughout, their entire life, culture, and possible career trajectories are being mocked to the sound of their wasted $11. “Ah, fuck it, let’s hit the club.”

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