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Rebecca Black signs to Universal, buys Funny or Die…

Rebecca Black

Industry analyst Bob Lefsetz reports today on the signing of Internet sensation Rebecca Black to Universal Records…

Universal Republic, to be exact. Home of Chumbawamba as well as the distributor of Big Machine, home of Taylor Swift.

Actually, this is a joint venture between Republic and Big Machine. In other words, Scott Borchetta is going to Taylorize Rebecca.

First move?

Rebecca’s gonna move into Scott Swift’s house. Environment is everything. Scott’s been there and done that, he knows how to get Rebecca on the right path.

Then there’s the credibility tour. Taking a page out of Taylor’s book, Rebecca’s going to go on a radio station jaunt, just her and her guitar, proving to PDs that she can actually sing and play.

Meanwhile, the best songwriters known to man are concocting cuts that will truly catapult Rebecca into the stratosphere.

Dr. Luke has been saving a track for the right artist. Ke$ha has already recorded backgrounds, she was the lead singer, but the track was too good for her marginal talent, Rebecca’s now got the slot. And rumor has it Weezy is going to rap in the break…

…Unlike Justin Bieber, Rebecca’s voice is not going to drop, there are no issues of puberty. However she will not be getting breast implants immediately, they’re going to wait to see if she fills out before any plastic surgery is done. Britney Spears is Rebecca’s mentor. Having made a full emotional recovery, Britney wants to insure that Rebecca doesn’t make the same mistakes she did…

In related news, Britney Spears is back and scheduled to play Nassau Coliseum and the Izod Center in August (that’s actually true), and Rebecca Black is the new owner of funny website Funny or Die (or so they claim). Happy Friday!

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